back to school

Summer End

Hi blog family!

I am back! Power is restored and so am I!!!
I hope this has been a wonderful summer for all of you!
School is about to be back in session! This is good, keeps the kids busy with a goal...of finishing!! lol..
two thoughts today:

 If you are a foster parent, ask yourself, what am I doing today, to make  a better life for my kid this year? If they leave, have I given them some tools to deal with life?

 If you have kids challenge them to always ask this question monthly, it is the only way to NOT become comfortable with  where you are at as a person in life. 

You always want them to do better, be stronger, live longer and wiser than yesterday and you DON"T want them to make the mistakes their parents made! (for those who were placed in foster care due to parents neglect, abuse abandonment etc..)

 We are trying to build a stronger next generation!
The greatest minds are ALWAYS growing, learning, thinking and Listening to advice that can help them become better people inside and out!
See what you or your kids may need to have a better year: find new positive friends, learn to accept motherly/friendly hugs, learn to think positive, learn NOT to worry, eat to live, play family games to bond, start working out by walking, read more books, practice learning a language on youtube, sign up for peace or job corp to get out and travel and meet new people?
There are many things we all can be doing daily to stay learning. 

 life is a lesson and learning helps you grow as a person.
If your kid grew up in a group home without family structure, help them retrain the brain to do things different -  IF the old training did not work.. (if they learned to "yell", fight, ignore, steal to eat, lie (to help a sick parent)....
GETTING RID OF OLD DEFENSE MECHANISMS WE USED TO AVOID PAIN
for example moving around from place to place you may be GREAT at meeting people and adjusting to different homes, BUT you are able to drop people TOO easy...(an argument with a friend, instead of calling them you could wait forever and be fine with that--that was ok when you had to move around, I think its a defence mechanism we build up so that we wont be hurt someone is leaving again...
BUT in a good relationship (mate or friend) there will be awkward days and IF that friend or mate is worth it, you must take the step and repair it, or you will lose the friend or mate... We must re-learn how to get close to others, not be distant and trust that if they leave, life moves forward and its ok!!

In the end foster kids that lived mostly in group homes need to understand the dynamics of family life, how each member helps each other, how all the family work together", in the group home they learned to work alone and for self survival, doing whatever necessary to survive, now they must learn opposite so be patient, carefrontational and give lots of hugs and love!!

Have a great year teaching our future kings and queens!!

oxo Tanya

Salute to all foster and adoptive parents

SPECIAL THANKS TO ALL THOSE WHO HAVE FOSTER OR ADOPTED KIDS, YOUR WORK IS NOTED AND APPRECIATED!! XO TANYA

“A PIECE OF MY STORY” by Tanya Cooper

August 13, 2011

No part is to be reprinted without permission from the author

I’d like to thank all of you, 

for allowing me to share in your celebration of foster and adoptive parents.

 I know all to well the impact a great foster parent can have on a child not only reaching independence - that part is easy, just turning 21 gives you independent status- The real test is once your kids are on their your own: knowing how to navigate life when storms come and how to enjoy life- even in the middle of a storm! 

I will share a piece of my story with you and a brief memory of one of the best days of my life! The 1st day i meet my foster mother! 

I remember a policeman and a CPS worker knocking on our door when i was 5 yrs. old. I vaguely remember being moved around to a couple of different group homes in NYC.

My memory starts to become clear when my case got transferred to Westchester County in  the early 1970’s. My mother was a heroin addict and alcoholic, who often lost track of time: hours, days, weeks, months would pass! 

My sister became our mother when she was 5 years old! When we had no lights or food, my sister would comfort us and find a loaf of bread. One time, she snuck us out of the apt to get fresh air, I fell off a swing and needed stitches under my eye, she had someone call the ambulance, while she had her street friends find my mother first, so that no one would know we were outside alone. 

When we needed a hug because we missed mommy, my she would wrap her loving arms around us, until we forgot about mom not being home.

when a curtain caught on fire - because my  brother discovered matches, my sister put the fire out! 

When my brother Rob and I had chicken pox- it was my sister rubbing calamine lotion on us!

 There were many times we should have been in a foster home or could have starved to death, but by the grace of God - we were always protected from harm.

We would see our mother every now and then but eventually due to her addiction- she stopped showing up - my sister also got tired of playing mommy around 8 yrs. old.  

She knew she could love us but she could no longer  keep us feed and safe! Cps was called in and my mother  would later lose her rights, her 4 kids and her battle with addiction! I am grateful to her for knowing she did not have the tools to care for us. It was my foster mother that made me understand, sometimes, your parents are only a vehicle to get you here- 

My memory becomes very clear when I think of the 1st time I meet my foster mother- who was a widow with one adopted son and 2 foster boys at the time she got

my brother and I -  BUT later would meet and marry my favorite man, my foster father!

 I was 7 years old and It was the 1970‘s - We were living at a large group home facility and it was a special day because foster parents would come visit and choose a child to take home-now that style is outdated but i share this story for a reason. 

I was in the gym with many other kids running & playing. I remember I was with my sister and my brother Rob. 

Everyone was playing, laughing, running but me! I was excited that someone may “choose” me to go to a real home! I wore a pretty yellow dress that was way to small because that was all that could be found for me.  Even though it was not my size, it was the 1st dress I owned!! 

I was able to to be grateful very early because I knew previously, I wore the same clothes for months, 

  I thought hard that day in the gym while I waited to find a new home. 

because I had moved around to a few of different places, I knew then, I did not like this “group home life, accept for the fact that; there was always food and i was with my siblings.  

In the group home the kids appeared to run  reckless, a lot of them seemed angry and there was no structure or anyone to give me a hug or guidance. 

As i stood in the gym that summer day, I noticed my baby brother running, smiling and checking back with me every few minutes. 

My sister was in eye sight with her new friends. My brother  Rob ran over and looked up at me and said: “Sis - you think we’ll find a home?” I said: “yes,, and I am not going unless you and T come- keep smiling, maybe someone will notice us” My baby brother had an infectious smile, so I knew if anyone walked in that we” liked, and they saw him, we would have a home!

 I remember the sun literally shinning on me when a beautiful woman, well dressed walked in the gym! My brother Rob came over and gave me a look that said: “she’s the one”.

I don’t know how i knew, but i knew that was going to be my new mommy! She walked past all the kids, straight to Rob and and I, she looked down with a smile and said: “why look at you with your beautiful auburn afro- your about the prettiest little girl i have seen and I want a daughter- would you want to live with me?” I remember she smelled so good, (I would later find out Chanel #5) she had on the nicest clothes I ever saw!

BUT- I wasn’t going without T and Rob. I said to her: “I can’t go, unless you bring my sister and brothers”! 

My sister came around us; observing, listening, contemplating, using her street smart skills to decide if this woman was worth us being separated!

I was excited but scared- they warned us most people like babies, they will not take 2 kids, must less 4! We couldn’t leave baby mark! 

My sister called us over then the worker called my sister over to speak private- they always talked to her first. It was because of her street smarts we had not starved to death! 

So we did not do anything in the group home, without her approval!

 Waiting for an answer, my soon to be foster mother started telling me about her “big House” and how I would have my very own room! BUT she also said: she could only take two of us and that my sister and baby Mark could visit anytime!  I told her”no thanks” but then my sister stepped in and with a sad but convincing face said: Tanya, listen, you and Rob need a home, I will be alright, i promise I will come and see you”. While I was sad to leave my sister behind, i knew i wasn’t cut out for group home life. I was excited Rob and I now had a home and a new mommy!!

I share this story  because I am grateful to all the foster parents who share their home, their family and there time!

Raising someone else's children after neglect, abuse or abandonment is a challenge and you all here today that take the time to invest in our foster children deserve to be honored! Not just for “taking a kid”- anyone can do that- but for nurturing them back to mental and physical health, for unconditional love with hugs and providing constant words of encouragement-even when you were told they had a disability!

My life would not be the same had my foster mother not listened to her inner voice, that told her, yes, you have 3 kids but 2 more needs extra love!!

I know it was no easy task loving an angry teen but my foster mother knew I was hurt that my birth mom never came back for us. She knew because she had lost both of her parents when she was young, being raised by her grandfather! So when I rebelled and acted out as a teen for many reasons, she put on what I call “mom repellent” and challenged me to excel!!

When the doctors tried to give me a title of learning challenges and ADD, ADHD, my foster mother insisted i stay focused and channel my energy with: sports, singing in the church choir, dancing, ballet, camp, after-school activities - so that I would not become bored! Thanks to my patient, loving foster mother, I eventually got new letters - My B.A.S. from N.Y.U!!

I learned from my foster mother that a foster parent is “called” into this field for the love of helping others- even if its temporary you can have an impact! 

This is not a job you do “just for a check” because all kids will make you work for every penny!

A foster parent has a vision a goal for their child. They are able to meet the child where they are at, because their parenting instincts tell them: when their child; “IS” or IS NOT”, ABLE”, ON POINT or IN TROUBLE!”

I am here today, living proof that foster care does work if a child gets the right home- a home that teaches them, like my foster mother taught me, “I am responsible for my future and can never feel sorry for myself or lose faith in hard times!

 My mother held us to high standards and she had many requirements. 

We were blessed to have 6 tv’s in our house, but you could only watch certain shows - on one tv - together as a family and you HAD to read books and newspapers daily in order to watch a tv show in my house! 

One of my birth brothers was dyslexic but my mom did not care, she made him read and write every morning and afternoon! 

I became the best speller because when i got a word wrong, she made me rewrite it 10 times!! My mother never allowed  excuses for failure. There was no such thing as “you can’t” or “I give up” and the only title you had in her home was “my  child”!

In conclusion:

when I aged out at 21, I had good times and hard times but I always bounced back because of the values and faith my foster parents taught me!

 i am so grateful my parents insisted on the basics, I learned patience and that not everything happens or comes together, without , a vision, a written plan, hard work and thought!!

most importantly, my parents took the time to find out what each of  our God given talents and purpose were,  she told us daily: “We all have divine purpose”: My foster parents believed kids with alot of energy should be busy with ; dancing, drawing, singing, inventing things, writing stories, listening, talking, -

 your foster child has a special gift or talent that was given to them  - it is crucial you find out what “IT” is, and focus their energy on that”! 

  through  my gifts of speaking, i have been able to help children labeled with ADD- ADHD and behavior problems focus their energy and reach their potential!  -  By the way- all those other titles we label kids with; its just UNFOCUSED energy! It can be channelled to do good-  thanks to my foster parents, I am living proof! 

Thank you!

Tanya in the Journal News!

Former Bedford foster child honors her late brother by helping others

May 12, 2011  |  

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Written by

Rob Ryser

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BEDFORD HILLS — At one point when Tanya Cooper was reading to her brother from the draft of her book about surviving foster care with a smile, her brother said: 'Coop, I think you are really going to do something here. This is going to save lives or change lives.'"

A year-and-a-half since the sudden death of that dear brother Robert Cooper to heart disease at age 41, Tanya Cooper is ready to test his prediction, starting with an outreach event planned in his honor at the Mount Kisco Library.

"This is about changing the way people think," says Cooper, 46, a Bedford Hills mother of two and an advocate who credits the Bedford community for enriching her life as a foster child. "Foster kids come in scared and frightened because they never know what is going to happen next."

That is saying a lot in Cooper's case. At the time she was placed in foster care, she and her baby brother Robert were being raised in Brooklyn by their 7-year-old sister, because their mother would disappear for days on drug binges.

There were good days in foster care and days she endured rape and death threats at the hands of her foster brothers, Cooper says.

"I want people to understand how someone feels in foster care," Cooper says. "It feels like an alien abduction."

Cooper's library event, planned for Wednesday during National Foster Care Month, is about trying to reach local children in foster care with a message that they are destined for special purposes. Even more, it is about reaching families in Westchester and Putnam counties with a message that little acts of kindness mean everything to a foster child.

"Something as simple as paying a kid a compliment can go so far," Cooper syas. "Foster kids don't get any acknowledgment except when they are doing something bad."

A highlight of the library event will be the inaugural Robert Cooper Memorial Scholarship presentation to a local foster child whose hope and positive spirit are part of a dream to succeed after he or she ages out of the system.

The memorial scholarship was created in a partnership with Megan Castellano of Carmel, the executive director of the Mental Health Association in Putnam County, and a high school friend of Robert Cooper's.

"He did a lot to lift up my self-esteem and what I didn't realize until I was older was that he was doing that for me and for others while he was having a hard time himself," Castellano said.

The hope is that after the $250 scholarship money is gone, the moment will linger for foster kids that they are heard and appreciated and supported, Castellano said.

In addition to the scholarship announcement and other awards that will be presented at the library event, Cooper will read from her book, "Surviving Foster Care and Making It Work for You!"

An extension of her two foster kids' blogs and her public speaking, the book sets guidelines for enjoying foster-care life and preparing for independence.

Anecdotally, it is also the story of how education, faith and friends helped Cooper make the transition from foster care to college and a career, so that she was able to give back.

Whatever her crisis, her brother Robert was always there, telling her not to give up, even as he waged his own battle with substance abuse.

"I didn't want every anniversary of his death to come around and say 'Oh, my poor brother,' " Cooper says. "This helps me stay positive and helps me to know that his death won't be in vain."

Tanya delivers a message to youth

Foster Kids, Personal Mentors Honored at Event

Scholarship funds, awards presented at event coinciding with National Foster Care Month.

By Tom Auchterlonie | Email the author | May 19, 2011

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Tell Your Neighbors About Patch

For Tanya Cooper, growing up in the foster care system meant changing residencies and abuse. While she could have ended up as a statistic pointing to hardships, she overcame her difficulties thanks to support from people who cared.

At a Wednesday event at the Mount Kisco Public Library, Cooper raised awareness of being a foster kid, gave recognition to those who helped her growing up and arranged for a new scholarship fund to help teens who are "aging out" of the foster system and heading to college.

For Cooper, who spoke emotionally about his background, her childhood and teen years did not come easy, as she grew up without a permanent household.

At just 5, she and her three siblings were taken away from their mother in Brooklyn, who was sick and had a heroin addiction; she passed away when Cooper was 17. They were left alone for periods of time and with no food. However, being pulled apart as a family created its own problems for Cooper, as she passed through group homes and foster care, hardship that included sexual abuse. Since then she was tried to reconcile with her sister, whom he declined to name, and is trying to locate her other brother, Mark. Growing up, she was still with her other brother, Robert, whose life was cut short in 2009 when he died of heart disease at 41.

Even being pulled away by her mother, in a process intended to help children, felt alienating to a child who did not know the circumstances.

"They treat you like you're a rare animal meant for the zoo," Cooper said in reading from her book, which lookde at the matter from a child's perspective.

Yet, despite getting a torrent of hardships and obstacles in her way, Cooper persevered, graduating from Fox Lane High School - she lived then, and lives now in Bedford Hills - and then New York University. She also did a stint as a model in Paris, and got involved in substance abuse counseling for teens. She now has a family of her own with two daughters, Arielle and Tatiana.

Recently, Cooper has taken on a new, informal career as a motivational speaker, and is even self publishing a book about her experiences, titled Surviving Foster Care & Making it Work for You, which she reads parts of at the event.

This interest, combined with Robert's death, spurred her to action to speak out about foster care issues.

In organizing Wednesday's event, in recognition of National Foster Kids Month, Cooper got together with Megan Castellano of the Mental Health Association in Putnam. Castellano, who is originally from Mount Kisco and was a high school friend of Robert Cooper, got together with Tanya Cooper after discovering a 2010 profile of her in The Journal News. She spoke emotionally about the loss of Robert Cooper and passionately spoke about about the issues of foster kids, noting that mental health is tied in as an issue. She also noted that Robert Cooper got her interested in her career based on how he felt positively of a social worker who helped him.

It was Robert Cooper's memory that helped spur the creation of the event. A $250 scholarship was presented in his honor. The first winner this year was Ramusa Alejandro, who is a Fox Lane student and lived in a Bedford group home. For college, he will be heading to St. John's University.

“While I was too young then to understand what was happening, I was not going to end up just another statistic," Alejandro wrote in an essay that was read aloud. In accepting the scholarship, he said that “a smile does go a long way," and noted how seeing smiles would cheer him up.

Three honorable receipients of extra amount of $100 were also honored: Amanda Ocasio, Reggie Silva and Crystal Abad.

In her acceptance, Ocasio, who is a student at the Dr. Kenneth B. Clark Academy in Dobbs Ferry and will go to the Fashion Institute of Technology next fall, thanked St. Christopher's, which works with Clark, for its support. Silva, who also attends Clark, will attend LaGuardia Community College and study accounting.

In recognition of adults who helped Cooper, two Citizen of Change Awards were presented. They went to Mary Ellen McKee, who was a physical education teacher at Fox Lane when Cooper was a student there, and Gamilah Lamumba Shabazz, a counselor who supported her when she was in a group home as a teen.

“She did everything, but she just had so much bottled up inside and didn’t know how to release it," said Shabazz. "Once she was able to vent everything she just flowered.”

McKee also received recognition from Mayor J. Michael Cindrich, who issued a local proclaimation for May 20 to be a day in her honor. Locally, her ties to Mount Kisco include being a congregant of St. Mark's Episcopal Church, and having served on the boards of Mount Kisco Child Care Center and the Boys & Girls Club. This proclaimation was made along with a general one for foster care, with is May 19.

Cindrich recounted his own family history with helping parentless children, noting that he had a great-grandfather who lived in Brooklyn a century ago who adopted two children, in addition to his six biological children. They went on to become New York City police officers, he said, while the biological children turned to careers that included clergy and teaching.

Ultimately, the occasion was one to bring people together and to spread awareness of foster kids, as well as to encourage those aging out of the system to keep grow into productive adults.

Editor's Note: Some references to Tanya Cooper's brother, Robert, had him identified as "Richard Cooper," in addition to the correct references. The story has been updated and fixed.